After being called  weak for apologizing at work I decided to do some digging into this question.

Gender aside, apologizing in the workplace can be a cover-up for one of two extremes. First, anxiety and second stopping yourself from saying a serious string of expletives that would lead to an immediate HR conversation.

A few years ago my boss told me to never say sorry at work. According to her, it makes women look weak in the workplace. I never forgot that comment and always wondered these three things.

1. Do women say sorry more then men?

Well here is the deal…according to Maja Jovanovic, Ph.D., author of “Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing and Other Career Mistakes Women Make,” women do have a tendency to apologize more than men. Some psychologists attribute this phenomenon to a woman’s tendency to please the targeted audience as well as our peace keeping nature. My opinion is woman have an ability to be vulnerable (a strength per the amazing Brené Brown) and state when they have done something wrong. But that’s just my theory.

So it seems like the research out there points to yes, we are apologizing more than men. But is that a bad thing?

2. Is saying I’m sorry at work really seen as weak?

Well no, but only to a certain degree. Say you are sorry when you really mean it. Missed that super important deadline? Yeah, a sorry is needed…and probably an expensive coffee delivery for your team.

But here’s the thing, apologizing when you have done something wrong is definitely no weakness. Its seen as a strength to own up to your wrong doings. However, there is such a thing as compulsive apologizing which does in fact present as a weakness at work.

3. What am I suppose to say if I can’t freaking say “sorry?”

So how do you know if you are over apologizing? Take stock of your communications for a few days. You will notice the dreaded phrase slipping into your conversations. Also, ask a close coworker if you over apologize. They will let you know. If your co-worker says “Ah, yes girl” then ask him or her to let you know when you use the word.

Another tip is to swap out the “I’m sorry” for other professional phrases that will get your point across.

Instead of saying “I’m sorry” when you think you’re “bothering” someone say:

  • “Excuse me” or “Pardon me”
  • A nice phase could also be “Is now a good time for a quick question?”

If you have cut someone off during a conversation try:

  • “Pardon me, go ahead.”

Instead of apologizing in an email (god forbid you write the dreaded phrase), try something like:

  • “Thank you for catching that” or “I appreciate you bring this error to my attention.”

And if you are running late for a meeting, consider using this line:

  • “Thank you for waiting for me.”

So here it is….

The “I’m sorry” sickness definitely struck me during my career. So don’t worry if you find out you have been plagued with over apologizing. Just do what I think is best, figure out the areas you want to strengthen and make a conscious decision to change them. And don’t forget, if you did something in error at work, the best thing to do is acknowledge it, state how you are going to fix it, and then fix it.